Resilience through the Curse
This week, our 10 year-old felt the stinging pain of rejection for the first time. She had auditioned to be a part of her school’s show choir. When I tell you that our oldest child was born to perform, I’m not being hyperbolic. Everything she does is in a show-like fashion. Her favorite hobby is watching High School Musical The Musical The Series and then recreating the big numbers from each episode with her little sister. Every night right before bed, without fail, I hear, “Mom! Are you ready for the show?” I’m in fact, not ready for the show because though it is only 8:30 PM, which is technically not late for an adult, 8:30 PM is nearing dangerously close to what I lovingly refer to as “Whitney midnight”, a.k.a. 9 PM. But I adore my kids and love watching them perform so I’m gonna sit there and watch. I can feel the giant smile on my face while I’m watching her performance and, of course, as soon as she’s done and in her final pose, I’m clapping and yelling, “Bravo”! So when it came time to audition for Show Choir, this child was walking around telling folks, “I’m pretty confident I got in.” Never mind that over 100 students auditioned for 30 spots so the odds weren’t great. And, sure enough, she came home from school on Wednesday this week and we immediately checked the digital announcement board listing those who had gotten in and her name was nowhere to be found. Tears. Instant tears followed immediately by, “How is this possible? Why? HOW!? WHHHHHHHYYYYYYY?!”
Now, being the person I am, I was devastated for my kid but being a former school counselor, I must confess, I was secretly not upset. During the 10 years I was a school counselor I saw many, MANY students in my office dealing with rejection and disappointment for the first time in their 15 or 16 years. As children of privilege, many of my students had been shielded from disappointment or anything that would result in a negative feeling thus shielding them from the necessary life skill of resilience. So when it was my 10 year-old’s turn to understand that disappointments and negative things happen, even small disappointments, I wasn’t too bummed out for her to have that experience.
In this week’s Torah portion, Ki Tavo, God brings forth the idea of the blessing and the curse — the reality of our lives being full of blessings while also being full of devastations. It begins with a number of beautiful blessings (Deuteronomy 28:3-14) that express simple, bucolic hopefulness, for example, "Blessed shall you be in the city and blessed shall you be in the country" (Deuteronomy 28:3) and "Blessed shall you be in your comings and blessed shall you be in your goings." (Deuteronomy 28:6) There are also blessings for fertile fields and wombs as well as for rain. Of course, it’s God and the Jews so this wonderful passage of gentle blessings is followed by the tocheichah, a long list of curses (Deuteronomy 28:15-68), such as death, disease, destruction, to outliving one's children, pestilence, and untold suffering will all surely descend upon us if we do not listen to God and obey the mitzvot.
It seems straight forward — obey God, get blessed. Transgress and you’re suffering from any number of major bummer. But I have to believe we’re learning something else here. People all over the world, for generations, have had blessings and devastations. Negativity is a part of life. Can one truly feel the highest of life’s highs if you’ve never felt the lowest of life’s lows? I really don’t think so. I think back to the countless students who walked into my door — they were lovely teens with more privilege than you can imagine, and more times than not, they were hyperventilating and panicking over the smallest of life’s struggles. And I don’t point this out to negate or invalidate their experience; a bummer is a bummer. But the intensity of the reaction and for many, the confession of this being the first real rejection or disappointment they’d ever experienced, made me wonder if they’d experienced true gratitude as well? I’m not sure. The answer could be yes! But I think of God as the almighty parent constantly trying to teach us and in Ki Tavo, I’m wondering if the lesson isn’t so much, “Do as I say or be punished accordingly” as much as it’s “Take a look around. This life you’ve been given is complicated and complex. Don’t forget to mark the blessings.”
Shabbat Shalom,
Whitney Fisch, MSW
